Dear Ella: Why is asking for help so hard?
Dear Ella,
Why is asking for help so hard?
I am perfectly comfortable helping everyone else.
I review the proposal, fix the budget, rewrite the email, calm the client, and remember the deadline no one else wrote down.
But when I need help, I suddenly become a pioneer woman.
I tell myself I can handle it. I just need to think a little longer, work a little harder, and perhaps reorganize the problem into a better spreadsheet.
Why do capable women wait until they are overwhelmed before saying, “I could use another perspective”?
Signed, Carrying It All To Columbus
Dear Pioneer Woman,
Because somewhere along the trail, capable took the reins.
You became the person who figures things out. Other people rely on you. You rely on you. Asking for help can feel like admitting that leading the wagon train may have been too much for you.
So you keep driving. You ford the river, cook the beans, pitch the tent, shoe the horses, and repair the axle with a hairpin.
This is an impressive use of a hairpin, but not a sustainable way to operate.
Leadership does not require solitary suffering. There is no bonus prize for reaching the right answer after taking the longest and most difficult route to get there.
Sometimes asking for help means:
“I need expertise I do not have.”
“I need someone to challenge my assumptions.”
“I need help seeing the politics around this.”
“I need to decide whether this is difficult, dysfunctional, or simply Tuesday.”
“I know what I think, but I need to hear myself say it to someone sensible.”
That last one has prevented many regrettable emails.
Ask while you still have choices. Once the wagon is on fire, you are asking for rescue.
Try:
“I would value your read on this.”
“I may be too close to the situation.”
“I can solve this, but I could solve it better with another perspective.”
“What am I missing?”
Strong leaders know when to take the reins. They also know when to hand them over before the horses reach Nebraska without them.
Ask Ella. Ask Lori or Kathy. Ask the person who will tell you the truth, help you think, and resist handing you a motivational quote.
You still own the decision.
Someone else can fetch the water.
Ella’s Last Word: Asking for help is part of being capable. Knowing when and whom to ask makes you more capable.
Explore Ellevae: If you are ready to strengthen your authority without becoming louder, harder, or less yourself, start with the Influence Path.
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